maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
