My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
