Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
