Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
