My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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