Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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