Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize