he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
