we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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