Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
BRING THE BAGELS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
