The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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