I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
