Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
