I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
