Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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