living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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