Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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