I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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