dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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