I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
