I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
