soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
