I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
not ubering you a puppy
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