Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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