I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
