I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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