Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
