I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
