remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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