He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize