Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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