woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Randomize
