these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
