i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
