the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He passed out mid-signature
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
