saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
