would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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