"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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