I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
