It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
