So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
