she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
