I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
