I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
