what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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