man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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