I think I won the penis lottery.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
