Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
