her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
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There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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