So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
