I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
