I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
