When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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