Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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