i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
