I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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