if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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