We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
