I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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