I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
