Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
