I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
