Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
