my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
