mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Watching her eat just hurts me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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