I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
